Hire a Rockstar? No Thanks

Everyone wants to hire a rockstar…sorry, a RRRROCKSTAR!

Okie-dokie…let’s look at a few rockstars and ask them a few interview questions:

Years ago, Ozzy Osbourne (of Black Sabbath fame although my younger readers might know him more from his family’s MTV series) showed up at a meeting at CBS Records’ Los Angeles office to embark on his solo career. His wife Sharon sensed that the executives weren’t keen on Osbourne so she had Ozzy show up at the meeting with a few live doves in his pockets and with the plan of releasing them into the air at an opportune time. Instead, Osbourne took one of the doves out of his pocket and bit its head off as the executives screamed in horror (imagine the blood spurting out of the bird’s neck stump).

Ozzy, you have quite an impressive background in generating massive amounts of revenue but your behavior is not the kind that necessarily blends with our corporate culture. Can you explain your management style and how biting the head off a dove fits in with this style? Also, can you give me an example of how you used your dove technique in managing difficult associates?

The late (what a surprise) Keith Moon, drummer of The Who (one of my favorite bands of all time) was one of the first rockstars to throw some – or all – of his instruments around stage. Guitarist Pete Townshend soon followed by smashing his Stratocaster to smithereens, and pretty soon a trend was born.

Mr. Moon, while your musical abilities are unquestionably superlative and your rhythm unparalleled, we’re concerned that if we hire you, every successful project you complete will require us to buy you a new computer, desk, lamp, and trash can. Can you assure us that you won’t continue your smashing ways if we hire you?

Rockstars are known to make crazy demands for everything from food to the color of their dressing rooms. To label most rockstars as high maintenance is like making the outlandish statement that the sky is blue. I’ve read where before a big show, Mariah Carey requires a box of bendy straws and Captain Crunch cereal and J-Lo needs a white room with white flowers and white curtains – not eggshell or linen but pure white.

Mariah, we’re pleased that you’ve essentially accepted the monetary portion of our offer to join us as our Chief Diva Officer but we’re concerned about the changes you made to the employment agreement particularly the paragraph where you state that you will only work every fourth business day and require the receptionist to roll out a red carpet upon your arrival while, and I quote, “the building’s cleaning crew will line up on both sides of the red carpet in a genuflecting position while holding their brooms like sabers in a V-position crossing over said red carpet.” We might have a problem with this…

We’re all too familiar with Lady Gaga In the New York City area; seems as if every paper has been printed with her on the front page in various stages of drunkenness, undress, and playing with her middle finger. Last baseball season, Gaga showed up at the New York Mets game in June wearing a leather jacket over a bikini. But when spotted by fans and photographers, she threw a hissy fit which required Mets’ officials to escort her into Jerry Seinfeld’s luxury box, where she proceeded to flip the fans the bird – over and over again.

Lady, as you know, we conduct an extensive reference check prior to receiving an offer. Given that we believe in honesty as a corporate policy, will our reference checking vendor uncover any pictures, videos, stories or any otherwise “inappropriate behavior” that might negatively impact the positive image of our company held by our most ardent customers?

For quite some time, the then-28-year-old Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page had a long-running affair with a 14-year-old groupie; everyone knew about it but no one did anything to dissuade Mr. Page from continuing the obviously illegal and immoral relationship.

Mr. Page, the Huntington School District is pleased that you’ll be joining our staff as a new music teacher in our middle school. It is clear you have great enthusiasm for teaching boys and girls to appreciate music…

George Michael needed more than “Faith” to beat (sorry, poor word choice) his 1998 arrest for “engaging in a lewd act” in a public restroom; find the details yourself but I can assure you that no one played a father figure.

George, as you know this is a hands-on position and I’m concerned that your experience has been substantially more strategic. What do you think?

Finally, the late Freddie Mercury held a unique launch party for his 1978 album Jazz which included “naked hermaphrodite dwarves serving cocaine from trays strapped to their heads, transsexual strippers, naked dancers in bamboo cages, nude models wrestling in baths filled with raw liver and Samoan women smoking cigarettes with their genitals.”

I can’t even begin to think of a question I might have used…

Rockstars regularly exhibit bizarre behaviors, destroy things, are high maintenance, and consume mass quantities of alcohol and other controlled substances.

Do you really want to hire a rockstar?


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Hire a Rockstar? No Thanks

Everyone wants to hire a rockstar…sorry, a RRRROCKSTAR!

Okie-dokie…let’s look at a few rockstars and ask them a few interview questions:

Years ago, Ozzy Osbourne (of Black Sabbath fame although my younger readers might know him more from his family’s MTV series) showed up at a meeting at CBS Records’ Los Angeles office to embark on his solo career. His wife Sharon sensed that the executives weren’t keen on Osbourne so she had Ozzy show up at the meeting with a few live doves in pockets and with the plan of releasing them into the air at an opportune time. Instead, Osbourne took one of the doves out of his pocket and bit its head off as the executives screamed in horror (imagine the blood spurting out of the bird’s neck stump).

Ozzy, you have quite an impressive background in generating massive amounts of revenue but your behavior is not the kind that necessarily blends with our corporate culture. Can you explain your management style and how biting the head off a dove fits in with this style? Also, can you give me an example of how you used your dove technique in managing difficult associates?

The late (what a surprise) Keith Moon, drummer of The Who (one of my favorite bands of all time) was one of the first rockstars to throw some – or all – of his instruments around stage. Guitarist Pete Townshend soon followed by smashing his Stratocaster to smithereens, and pretty soon a trend was born.

Mr. Moon, while your musical abilities are unquestionably superlative and your rhythm unparalleled, we’re concerned that if we hire you, every successful project you complete will require us to buy you a new computer, desk, lamp, and trash can. Can you assure us that you won’t continue your smashing ways if we hire you?

Rockstars are known to make crazy demands for everything from food to the color of their dressing rooms. To label most rockstars as high maintenance is like making the outlandish statement that the sky is blue. I’ve read where before a big show, Mariah Carey requires a box of bendy straws and Captain Crunch cereal and J-Lo needs a white room with white flowers and white curtains – not eggshell or linen but pure white.

Mariah, we’re pleased that you’ve essentially accepted the monetary portion of our offer to join us as our Chief Diva Officer but we’re concerned about the changes you made to the employment agreement particularly the paragraph where you state that you will only work every fourth business day and require the receptionist to roll out a red carpet upon your arrival while, and I quote, “the building’s cleaning crew will line up on both sides of the red carpet in a genuflecting position while holding their brooms like sabers in a V-position crossing over said red carpet.” We might have a problem with this…

We’re all too familiar with Lady Gaga In the New York City area; seems as if every paper has been printed with her on the front page in various stages of drunkenness, undress, and playing with her middle finger. Last baseball season, Gaga showed up at the New York Mets game in June wearing a leather jacket over a bikini. But when spotted by fans and photographers, she threw a hissy fit which required Mets’ officials to escort her into Jerry Seinfeld’s luxury box, where she proceeded to flip the fans the bird – over and over again.

Lady, as you know, we conduct an extensive reference check prior to receiving an offer. Given that we believe in honesty as a corporate policy, will our reference checking vendor uncover any pictures, videos, stories or any otherwise “inappropriate behavior” that might negatively impact the positive image of our company held by our most ardent customers?

For quite some time, the then-28-year-old Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page had a long-running affair with a 14-year-old groupie; everyone knew about it but no one did anything to dissuade Mr. Page from continuing the obviously illegal and immoral relationship.

Mr. Page, the Huntington School District is pleased that you’ll be joining our staff as a new music teacher in our middle school. It is clear you have great enthusiasm for teaching boys and girls to appreciate music…

George Michael needed more than “Faith” to beat (sorry, poor word choice) his 1998 arrest for “engaging in a lewd act” in a public restroom; find the details yourself but I can assure you that no one played a father figure.

George, as you know this is a hands-on position and I’m concerned that your experience has been substantially more strategic. What do you think?

Finally, the late Freddie Mercury held a unique launch party for his 1978 album Jazz which included “naked hermaphrodite dwarves serving cocaine from trays strapped to their heads, transsexual strippers, naked dancers in bamboo cages, nude models wrestling in baths filled with raw liver and Samoan women smoking cigarettes with their genitals.”

I can’t even begin to think of a question I might have used…

Rockstars regularly exhibit bizarre behaviors, destroy things, are high maintenance, and consume mass quantities of alcohol and other controlled substances.

Do you really want to hire a rockstar?


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