Hear the Meaning, Not Just the Sound

When people talk to you, do you hear everything they’re communicating? Do you recognize the meaning in people’s voices as well as their words to understand what they’re really telling you?

Once you’ve known someone for a while you can often “hear” their voice as you read their emails or their Facebook posts. But to really hear someone’s voice and get a sense of their true reaction, mood, or opinion, there’s nothing like a phone call. And by that I mean an old-fashioned phone call — not Skype — with only audio and no picture.

Listen. Do You Want to Know a Secret?

You can sense all kinds of things about people by paying close attention to their voices over the phone, whether the call is a first meeting or you already have a relationship. Conference calls can be even more revealing if you listen closely as people respond to each other.

In just three phone calls over the past few days, I’ve witnessed power struggles, frustration, relief, an overpowering need to tell one’s story, fear of failure, gratitude, guilty recognition, confusion, resentment, a kind of relaxing into genuine acceptance of the facts of a situation, and the willingness to figure out what’s next. I experienced those 270 minutes of human emotion and drama without ever having to leave my office.

Active Listening

If only we could sit in meetings with our eyes closed, just taking in audio impressions and not being distracted by people’s masked facial expressions, trained gestures and personal tics like bobbing heads or tapping feet or pens. (For more on the “visuals” of listening, see The Listening Post, Part II: Receptivity and Responsiveness.)

Homing in on the tone and tenor of someone’s voice can help you understand what’s really going on with that person, particularly if their vocal quality contradicts their specific words. Just getting that sound print can help you decide how best to participate in the interaction: when to probe, when to press, and when to calm or comfort.

By focusing on people’s pacing and volume rather than looking at their carefully composed, apparently neutral faces, you can glean a lot of information that you wouldn’t normally notice. Even a voice that is incredibly well modulated can provide clues to that person’s true feelings and what they really mean. (For more on vocal cues and clues, see Four Aspects of Managing Your Fight-or-Flight Response and The Listening Post, Part I: Four Crucial Aspects of Understanding and How to Get Your Point Across without Poking a Hole in Anyone.)

Can You Hear Me Now?

In the well-known Verizon Wireless ad, the guy with the cell phone asks constantly, “Can you hear me now?” He’s referring to connection, of course, but the kind of connection that matters is not only about how well you and the person on the other end of the line can hear each other’s voices. It’s about listening to the voices themselves and using those nuances to form an accurate and empathetic understanding of what’s really being said.

Onward and upward,
LK

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