I always get a little overwhelmed
during the holiday season, but this year I am at the brink. I have a big team
at work and I usually try to create some kind of fun event for us—but this year
it just isn’t happening. There is a massive problem with our technology and my
team and I are having a hard time doing our jobs. My printer stopped working
and so did the key card I use to go from building to building. Two of my people
are out sick and another needs to be talked off the ledge every hour on the
In my personal life, my car’s check
engine light is on and my mechanic won’t return my calls. My dryer at home is
broken, and I have two kids coming home from college with suitcases full of
laundry. Our Christmas tree is up, but it isn’t decorated, and I usually have the
house all ready for the kids. I haven’t even ordered Christmas cards, let alone
sent any! The dog is limping for some unknown reason and the cat keeps throwing
up on my bed.
I just got off the phone with a
colleague who told me that one of my direct reports dropped a big ball and
really screwed up. I am this close to
picking up the phone and letting my direct report have it, but I know it wasn’t
really his fault. So I am writing you instead.
I feel like everyone and
everything is letting me down and I am pushing a huge rock uphill by myself. I
can’t even think anymore. Help?
Dear Melting Down,
Oh my dear, this sounds hard. And
so familiar. When you start feeling sorry for yourself, it is time to stop. Just
stop. Take a deep breath. Say out loud: “This is not neurosurgery, no one is
dying.” Repeat three times.
Then, take action.
Make a list of everything you are
can read about tolerations in one of my old posts here. Essentially, a toleration* is every little thing you
are putting up with. When the list gets too long, one tiny straw can break the
camel’s back. This is where you are right now.
Once you have your lists—one for
work and one for home—look at each item one by one. Decide whether you are
going to deal with it, dump (ignore) it, or delegate it. Some things are simply
outside of your control and you will just have to suck them up. Others you can either
do something about yourself or get others to handle.
Before you get to it, though, you
need to consider your standards—your expectations of yourself and others based
on both what you think is important and marks you have hit in the past. Remember:
standards are not laws. Gravity is a law. I
must have the tree decorated by the time the kids come home is not. Do you see
the difference? You have made up that some of the standards you hold yourself to are a
priority—when, in fact, your reality
is making them impossible. For right now, as you go over your list of
tolerations, ask yourself where can I
lower my standards, just for this year? I remember one year when I was similarly
overextended, I just didn’t do Christmas cards. My sister-in-law was horrified—but
you know what? Nobody died.
So lower your
standards and your expectations of how things should be. Deal with the real
problems—like your car—the ones that won’t resolve themselves and will probably
turn into bigger, more expensive problems. Find a new mechanic. If the dog is
still limping, make a vet appointment. Assuming the cat is feeling better, close
the door to your bedroom just in case.
Let the kids
decorate the tree when they get home and take their clothes to the laundromat.
Send them a warm text to explain your situation and to warn them so they aren’t
surprised. They may moan, but they will also probably rise to the occasion—especially
if you manage their expectations. Send
a nice email to your work team thanking them for their hard work and promising
a fun event in February—which, honestly, is when people really need one. The technology
problems will resolve themselves eventually, and you aren’t going to get fired.
Tom Magliozzi, one of the co-hosts
of NPR’s Car Talk show, says:
“Happiness equals reality minus expectations.” Deal with the
incontrovertible reality, and remember the rest is all made up. Be the model of
grace, humor, generosity, and patience you know yourself to be, especially with
your team. Keep breathing. Your kids and you will be fine.
I wish you great peace, healthy
pets, a functioning car, and upgraded technology in the New Year.
* Thomas Leonard, a pioneer of the coaching profession and the founder of Coach University, the ICF, and Coachville, coined the term tolerations in the late 1980s.
About the author
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response here next week!