Can You Really Change Your Personality?

This is a question that surfaces periodically among new clients.  The
answer?  It all depends on how you define “personality.”  Personality
differs from skills or competencies.  Skills are tools for getting jobs
done.  Personality is that set of deep, basic traits that uniquely
determine how we perceive experiences and influence our motivations and
behaviors.

Researchers generally agree that personality can–and does–change
until about age 30.  There’s a lot less agreement about what happens
then. 

Researchers usually agree that–at a basic level–five main aspects
of personality stay fairly stable throughout our lives.  Think of these
aspects as tendencies.  Sometimes the tendency is small, other times
moderate, other times very strong. 

Neuroticism–persons who score high on this trait
tend to be anxious rather than calm.  They’re also more likely to be
angry, depressed, self-conscious, impulsive and stressed.  Not all of
those at the same time, but one, maybe two characterize a person’s
personality.  I have one delightful client that I’ve known and worked
with for years.  He’s highly impulsive and all of his people know that,
and factor that into how they relate to him.  He knows it too, and since
he’s the boss he doesn’t work at becoming less impulsive.  He knows
everyone of importance knows.  On occasion he’s asked me to warn people
about his impulsiveness.  BTW: He has a highly successful history and
his people make the adjustments for him.  

The other end of the continuum of neurosis is psychosis.  The
difference between the two at the extreme is obvious: neurotics “see”
more than is really there, and psychotics don’t see what’s going on at
all.  There’s plenty of neuroticism among business people, but
psychotics don’t last long in any career.

Extraversion–high scorers are friendly, outgoing,
assertive, energetic and optimistic.  I’m an extrovert and I enjoy
extroverts.  But I wouldn’t want to be on a team or in a group that is
filled with extroverts.  The noise would drive me nuts.  Introverts
leven the field and make a very significant contribution to the
workforce.  If I were a team leader, the first choices I’d want would be
a couple smart introverts.

Openness to experience–a high score indicates a
vivid imagination and an appreciation of art and beauty.  Such persons
welcome new ideas and may question traditional values and beliefs.  Low
scorers tend to be conservatives who accept authority.  Where would you
place Dick Cheney on that continuum?

Conscientiousness–persons strong in this area are
competent, orderly, self-disciplined, motivated and careful.  High
scorers may become workaholics, while low scorers may lack ambition.

These characteristics are relatively stable, particularly after age
30.  They are most likely determined by both nature and nurture.  That
leads me to suggest that personality change can come about.  Some
researchers think that it occurs through the “crystallization of
discontent.”  What happens is that isolated negative events gradually
get connected in our thinking.  That could include tragedy, recurring
negative feedback, a series of failures, etc.  Change happens when that
vague discontent gets focused. 

After a discussion of this sort with clients, one question usually
follows.  What is the best set of personality characteristics for
business success?  Certainly the extremes can cause difficulty.  But in
the right situation even extremes can work to your advantage.  Quite a
few years ago, a law firm engaged my services as a last ditch effort to
assist a partner in dealing with his angry outbursts.  During the second
coaching session, the lawyer told me that he’d struggled with paranoia
(a neurotic condition) for years, worked with a psychiatrist on numerous
occasions, and he was fearful that his outbursts couldn’t be
managed.  I was clueless about whether they could be managed and told
him that.  But I was also curious as to what he saw as the “upsides” of
paranoia.  He was shocked by the question and quickly responded that
there was no upside to paranoia.  I disagreed strongly, especially in
his career as a corporate lawyer.  His most basic task was to keep
clients out of difficulty.  That required a great deal of insight as to
what are all the possible bases on which a client/firm might be sued or
challenged and end up in litigation.  My assumption was that aside from
his education and intellectual ability, his paranoia was a highly useful
disease.  He had no difficulty seeing more danger than was
probably there.  That single insight was almost immediately liberating. 
It was a thought that had never crossed his gray matter.  Obviously the
insight was exceedingly useful.  He continues as a partner in his firm
and has rarely had an episode in the 15 years since.

Can you change your personality?  Yes, but slowly and with great
care.
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