12 Career-Ending Ways to Fire Employees

There are few easy ways to break it to an employee that they’re being let go, but there are techniques that can help make the transition easier for everyone involved.

The following 12 tips, however, won’t help you with that. Instead, they’re guaranteed to leave any former staff member fuming, put you at risk of countless lawsuits, and very possibly make sure that you’re the next one out the door. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

1. “Re: Downsizing — please clear your desks!”

Firing an employee by email is fast, convenient, and almost completely devoid of human emotion. A terse email makes your now-former staff member feel completely worthless, and can be completed in just seconds. If you want your former employees turning their little corner of Facebook into a raging red, this is definitely the way to go.

banker box alternatives firing

To add injury to insult, offer a milk crate instead of a banker’s box. They’re very sturdy, which makes them great for all sorts of mischief. Flickr/JAM Project

2. “UR FIR3D KTHXBYE”

If downsizing via email just isn’t soulless enough for you, consider using a text message to get the point across. If it’s good enough to end teenage relationships, it’s good enough for you too. 

3. Walk of Shame

Instead of discreetly taking the latest casualty of your company’s restructuring efforts aside and tactfully informing them that their services are no longer required, why not do it in front of everyone, to really light the fire under their seats. For bonus points, make sure they carry a banker’s box full of their belongings past as many people as possible. 

4. The Punchline

Who could possibly object to a little levity to brighten the dismal news that they’re out of work? “Hands up, who’s got a job? You can put your hand down now, Jenkins.” Nothing says “you’re a completely expendable number on a balance sheet” like a good termination joke.

5. The Amnesiac

“What are you doing here? We fired you on Friday!” Nothing conveys a complete disregard for an employee’s wellbeing like forgetting to tell them they’ve been let go. Your organizational skills will become legendary.

6. The Basil Fawlty

Feel bad about dismissing that employee? Relieve your feelings by convincing yourself that it’s all his fault, and telling him so loudly and at length.

7. Panic

Lock yourself in your office and give one of your subordinates the job of informing the now-ex-employee that she needn’t come in on Monday. Repeat as needed until there’s no one left.

8. The Drama Queen

Show that departing staff member your sensitive side by weeping copiously and tearing at your hair. Why are they making this all about their impending troubles? Don’t they know how hard this is for YOU?

9. Demolition Man

While they’re out, have all the furniture removed from their office, and arrange for fixtures to be ripped out. If they don’t get the picture, keep changing locks and scheduling meetings without them until they figure it out.

10. About Face

If an employee is performing poorly, don’t let them know. Keep telling them that everything’s okay, greet them with a smile when you see them, and generally allow them to believe their performance is quite fine. Meanwhile, hire their replacement. Once you’ve got a contract signed, give the marching orders with no warning whatsoever.

11. Indecision

Keep the soon-to-be ex-employee guessing. Imply that they might be kept on, moved to another department, or even promoted—right up until you buy them lunch and thank them for their years of service.

12. Invisible Man

Be as terse as possible with the departing staff member. Don’t answer any questions they may have about their dismissal. If you do your best to ignore them completely once you’ve delivered the news, they’ll eventually show themselves out.

If you’re not ready to throw your HR out the window, login to TribeHR today to engage your employees and help them boost their performances. All packages come with a free 60-day trial.

 


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